Saturday, 12 February 2011

Irritable Vowel Syndrome: are oral enemas the answer?

A paper by Dr Polly Syllable

An introduction by Sri Shruti Chanty-ji

I am pleased on behalf of obreption to ask Dr Polly Syllable to deliver this prize winning paper on a topic which few would utter to put down on paper.  As you can see, Dr Polly is currently in a state of transition to another level.  In simple Hindu philosophy, we call this birth and rebirth.  Obreption’s keyboard does not allow me to transliterate any significant Sanskrit, Pali or Tibetan terms.  It is sufficient to realise that Dr Polly’s surname has changed many times and that the terms male/female do not apply; nor can he/she be described in any LGBT terms.  If you watched the groundbreaking movie Carry On Spying, you will recognise the figure of Dr Crow.  In previous lives, Dr Polly has been known as Dr Polly Andrews, Dr Polly Morethick, Dr Polly Physite and Dr Polly Sylla Bus No 36.  Obreption has asked me to describe some of the recent oracular prophecies in her mode as the Celtic Bardess of Nantgarw.  This is technically known as the Hu’ur of Treffforest.  Dr Polly’s agent would like us to add the rider to any prophecies made tonight.  Her track record is 110% according to Cricklewood Bus Garage. 

Dr Polly

Namaste, Sri man.  Ladies, Gentlemen and others

Two weeks ago I made a prophecy that Mr Mubarak of Egypt would be gone.  According to Cardinal Simonis, President Miss Bruik is gone.  We can all say “rejoice!” and question ourselves whether the Lesbian Sisterhood will take over in Egypt or in Algeria. 

A more recent prophecy was made concerning the future archbishop of Wales.  Dr Polly was doing some Celtic divination with the aid of channelling.  Other oracular practitioners include the Matthews family, especially Caitlan, Bernard and Karrin.  Caitlan’s oracular prophecy had been divined by Dr Polly using a turkey nicknamed Ratzinger, which was beyond its sell-by-date (celibate).  These have been attested by senior disciples such as Marx, Caspar and someone whose name in Sanskrit has the letters C-M-C …

I predict that many protestors will be lined up whenever there are LGBT services to be held in Soho, whether reformed, orthodox, gluten-free or non-alcoholic wine . 

I prophesize that a tragedy will occur in Ambridge and that the programme called the Archers will introduce a character known as Diana with the properties of Artimis.  Check your Catholic Encyclopaedia 1563 for details. 

I predict that GDP in the United Kingdom will fall throughout the year, unemployment will rise to 70 million which should be accurate within an order of magnitude or so…

I’m getting faint.  I sense something theosophical … vile bodies … Miles Malpractice, very queer … my throat is hurting … I feel some irritable vowel syndrome …  

(At this point, a member of the audience applies some Cornish elixir as experienced by Isolde when she was being diverted in Cornwall from the Sangha where she was a member.)

Dr Polly gasps. That was some cunning linctus you gave me there, boyo.
(This joke was first heard in a programme produced by the wonderful Clive as heard in chambers, or chantys.)

Howzat, Blowers …

PS  It has been noticed by many on the repeat of Feedback that someone on Radio 4 got Roger Boulton to say "cunning linguist".  Now THAT will attract a new audience!  If you listened to the programme before, allegedly from the Latitude Festival, words which I thought I'd never hear out of the mouths of babes, were oraculated by someone called Emma Kennedy.  Do you find any vowels irritating?  Or certain accents irritable?  Have you misunderstood something?  Misheard, perhaps? 

I was walking down Great Portland St and I heard someone say, or rather shout into a mobile phone (oracular device), "When do they shit ... Harridges?"  This wasn't Paul Temple.  Then I realised it was someone from the BBC Pronunciation Unit and it ought to have sounded "When do they shut".   

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