Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Valentine’s Day Massacre

Millions of roses were massacred yesterday around the world.  Talk about the Bonfire of Profanities, it was so tacky that I had to throw up when I heard The Archers last night.  I have visions of something happening in a cludgie, whatever that is. 

It seems to me, apparently that the Roman Catholic church has been cleaning out the cludgie for years.  If I’m not mistaken, and of course I shall bend over to my superiors, it appears and it seems to me that St Benedict’s rule may be drawing to its end. 

It’s rather like that version of the film about a banker, a bonker and a bunker with a younger Adolph in it OR on the other hand according to hundreds of German Roman Catholic theologians it could be a beggar, a bigot or a bugger of brugge.  It seems to me that I have been led away from the path of righteousness by some nasty blogs out there – you know who you are.  Talk about the 666 watermark.  Thank goodness I have Dr Tony (Dr Apostolic Visitation O’Gadro) who has a lot of bites to his name.  He has been touched approximately 6 10 23 times and this has now been coined or laundered according to the New York Times, but like St Peter the concept of Catholic truth has to be deny it, cover it up, hush it up and wait. 

Well, Josie your time might be up!  And to quote Shona Spurtle from the High Life, “Your career is about to go down the cludgie!” 

It seems to me, as David Cameron has said that the Scottish justice system has failed the victims of Loch Gelly.  As many school children in Scotland know, the Loch Gelly was a cruel form of punishment for venial disobedience.  Remarks such as “spectacles, testicles, watch and wallet” were to be punished with six of the best, heid doon the watter and mooth rinsed with either Fairy or Lifebuoys.

Visitors to this site will now see that a dose of Abbot’s Choice, Blue Nun, Friar’s Balsam and Manger’s Soda has cleaned me out.  I have been forgiven, this blog has been hermeneutically sealed and I have been boiled in caustic soda that is causticised as opposed to boiled in caustic lye, which is ontologically similar but not always the same. 

Thus, sic itur ad ibrox; the home of the Hun, Freemasonry and according to my pal Niddry, automatic telling machines (ATM) which dole out lovely lolly, with a pin number of 0666.  People from Glasgow can do this most of the time.  I am now practising how they say things in Glasgow and I have been privileged to listen to that wonderful language in the much loved Stanley Baxter series entitled “Parliamo Glasgow”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0rgETg2Hoo

It’s likely that I shall meet a large number of bruisers.  I just can’t wait to hear “Fanny Hill in Maryhill”



  1. Knowing your links with the BBC Pronunciation unit and the difficulties they might be experiencing with pronouncing Middle Eastern capitals, I thought this Muppets video might perhaps be useful in the present difficulties in Bahrain.


  2. I watched this Muppet show regarding the pronunciation of Bahrain and its capital. The BBC sports people, obviously under orders to use their budget for clarity. They managed to call Bahrain with an intrusive HAITCH. They usually do any way, but I heard Paul Hawkins and Bob Ballard saying BaHrain. Well done Paul and Bob.Next time, try and say Loch Lomond. Whoever posted the previous post, got the BBC to pronounce Mana-ma as Panama when it's nearer to the Muppet pronunciation which the lovely Dottin (?) used throughout his Up All Night.

  3. Others have posted regarded this serious problem. Perhaps the BBC is taking the balanced view with the pronunciation of BaHrain and MaNAma. At least in Glasgow no one seemed to care how it was pronounced.

  4. You must have some influence with the BBC. Peter Donaldson got it right - eventually. MaNAma appears to be the problem. Keep up the good work... can you find out what the Pearl roundabout is from a Bahraini?