Saturday, 12 February 2011

"Archbishop Dolan to be deposed over missing sex-abuse settlement funds"


Introductory note:

This presentation is part of the final of the 2011 Bernie Madeup Prize for Hermeneutics in order to promote peace, goodwill and understanding between Christians and Catholics.  The rules of the competition require that a multi-lingual religious specialist discuss topics selected by the other. The order of play was decided using an old 200 Lira San Marino coin.  This is a 110% accurate in forecasting.  The judges of the competition were the Wholly Trinity of Professor Obreption, Suor Angelika of Mostar and Dame Lavinia Withering of Schwindelstaat.  As they say in cricket, the Roman Catholic priest Father Sylvestro Bhunga-Bhaji went into bat for the Vatican. 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury

Croeso or Namaste.  At this point, the Wholly Trinity intercedes and the McGonigal trans Lateranis switched off.  Two minutes of the usual formulae which can be rattled through in Welsh, Italian, English, Malayalam and Tamil.  As devout Catholics, we are often faced with the challenge of obedience to authority.  I as a pillar of respectability and leader of this wonderful Welsh congregation, which though small in number beats the heart of what it's like to be practicing Catholic in today's world.  Let me illustrate this from the Holy Mass which you see before you.  We are called to obedience to his Holiness, the vicar of the Kanchi muth, the Shankara Acharya.  This is the Welsh for our beloved Pope Benedict.  His Eminence Cardinal Cormac received the title on behalf of his Holiness at the Kanchi Abbey, which has been rededicated to Our Lady of the Nut Brown Bhaji.

(cries in Welsh from the Eistedd Moggach: Hail Bhaji, Full of Cumin, Well art thou worthy of the Grace!)

The problem which we all face is that of authority.  Our spiritual leader, His Holiness, reveals himself in many ways. 

To the children in the congregation (plant) who are playing with their computer games (chwarae), we say to you: do not get yourself into the Tangle of the aisles, form an orderly line to receive the body of Our Lord and Master. 

To the old people in the congregation, we say to you: keep playing your bingo, we shall deliver your bhaji at your Neela.

Thus we have proved the trans-substantiation of our sacrifice to the number one Big Yn up there.  My closing comment is based on the sacred scripture as authorised by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, in accepting the new church of Kanchi.  As His Holiness has sent us a Bull called Shambo, with an engraving "Tat Tvam Asi".  This is freely translated as: you are what you are.  This is not to be confused in our youff group with that dreadful anthem of some LGBT (LL Bh C F) which is a commandment which has been removed from the liturgy.  This is forbidden amongst devout Catholics and anyone caught saying the expression: 'I am what I am' by the abominable Agnes Gaynor (the Welsh Abomination) will be punished.  And now, let us depart in peace.  (The congregation shall exit and the second offering will be taken for distribution among the many Catholics who have strayed from the New Liturgy. 

Obreption announces that owing to the upcoming Sabbath, the Rev. J. C. Flannel will deliver his sermon on a topic chosen by Father Sylvestro.  According to the rules of the Bernard Madeup Trust, Fr Sylvestro has the pick of these abominable Sunday newspapers.  It's coming up to midnight in Monaco.  Sister Angelika and Dame Lavinia will be reflecting and contemplating the Richter scale at the Grace Kelly Memorial Mansion.  For in my Father's house, there are many private rooms ...

Viewers of this blog may like to assist Fr Sylvestro, who feels that Catholics always draw a short straw in life, in suggesting a suitable headline for the Revd. Flannel, the Anglican vicar of Bray (Ireland)


  1. Speaking of hermeneutics and deconstructing pronouncements, here's an interesting little mess of the PM's own making:

    David Cameron has rejected accusations that his Big Society policy is simply a mask for government spending cuts.

    "But there is a broader point to be made. As the state spends less and does less - which would be happening whichever party was in government - there would be a positive benefit if some parts of society were to step forward and do more."

    Bankers? Churches? Obreption help us!


    for the full story

  2. Dear Obreption

    It was my niece who brought your blog to my attention - she was surfing the internet during her lunch break (personally, probably more than just her lunch break if you ask me, but never mind) and came across your reference to an Indian priest in Wales. "Mummyji," she says to me in alarm, "do you think they can be talking about Gopal?" You see, Gopal's my son and he went to London a few years back to make something of his life - as a cook or a doctor, whatever came up. Something must have come up, because the dear boy has been sending us money regularly, though on cheques on a funny named bank in the Vatican. Anyway, he seemed happy and the money comes handy so we have never questioned it. He did say that some of the churches were very similar to Hindu temples and the ceremony also not different from the puja that he used to so enjoy when here. But now I wonder if he has taken all this too seriously and I am worried. You see, we sent him to make something of this life - not this! Still, the money is good and useful, so perhaps we should thank Lakshmi. What do you think?

    I don't want to give my name in case Mrs Khatri reads this and sends her own son to cause trouble. She's like that, what to do ...


  3. In response to Gopal's mum's comment, here is something I found about the Catholic church in Kerala. Sounds like Gopal left in time!

    Former priest reveals Church's dirty secrets

  4. Dear Mr/Madam Obreption

    I would like to submit the following story as a possible candidate for the short list of stories and hope it is not too late. The website is a bit messy, but if you scroll down a bit, you will eventually find the story!

    CATHOLIC priest Fr Frank Bwalya fathers a child
    { HYPERLINK "" }

  5. Hey! I didn't realise you were accepting nominations! Here's one for the road:

    Coventry priest who had affair with mum makes new celibacy vow