Thursday, 10 March 2011

Inter-faith Symposium: Palm Springs, CA, 2011: an exegesis

Report by Herman New-Tack



Setting the context

This event has traditionally been a ‘patriachs only’ function, but given the rapid rise of eastern and mystical religions in California, the Palm Springs symposium included a new executive chair – the reincarnation of Lakshmi.

While the main conference was considering the great monotheistic faiths (GMF), there had to be some inclusion of Hindu influences, bearing in mind recent scandals that have rocked religions worldwide.  During the Prasad break, there was much talk of sex and the swami, the swami has fakeered-off, and variations on the old Robert Maxwell joke (allegedly told by Prince Andrew).

One of the other topics considered by the committee was the rebranding of the Salton Sea as the un-dead sea as a contingency.  The successful rebranding of some Nashville based churches was evaluated with footfall, turnstile and GPS valorisation techniques.  Drive-ins are still popular and the bike-in option has been reserved for very young evangelicals with green pretensions. 

Obreption had given his keynote PowerPoint, 3D presentation on proselytisation : monetise, valorise, vapourise.  Obreption said this was equivalent of kinetic energy as expressed in the formula E = 1 / 2 mv2.  Having delivered the groundbreaking and thought-provoking lecture Lord Obreption decided to join the spouse programme for these events.  Given that this was held on International Women’s Day, Obreption thought that it might be useful to pick up some more tips from the real business end of the community, i.e. the spouses. 

In the spouse programme lounge, before the bus tour of a date farm (http://www.browndategarden.com/) and trip to the Salton Sea, Obreption engaged in the issues of spouses of great material wealth (culture).  There were present the following:

Mona, wife of The Revd. Dr Nathaniel Lott
Rachel, wife of Conservative  (Masorti) Rabbi Nathan Burns
Dorothy, friend of Anglo-Catholic Bishop Natty Dressor, Diocese of Sodom and Begorrah ( http://www.theanglocatholic.com/tag/bad-vestments/ )
Sri Dr Manoj, spouse of The Goddess Mayawati  (no relation to Hiawathi of the Americas, or Megawati of Indonesia, or James Watty of the Presbyterians and father of the steam engine!) http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report_mayawati-our-living-goddess-bsp_1362056
Natanz, No. 1 wife of Sheikh Nizam, Sufi community leader in Burbank

Rachel:      Thank you all for your support in getting rid off all these designs by that wretch Galliano.  I trust it hasn’t affected your balance sheets or caused too much inconvenience. 
Mona:        Well, we never liked Galliano.  Doesn’t match our image, our choir is decked out in Ralph Lauren Pastel
Natanz:      Yes, this could have blown up out of proportion, but we’ve managed to restock the restaurant chain with some other designer soft furnishings. 
Dorothy:     I’m afraid Natty’s quite sad about parting with all his vestments, which had been handmade in Barking, England from those wretched designs by that unspeakable man.  It’s broken Natty’s heart, but the LGBT community have gathered round and are making a quilt from the remains.  They should be cutting it up about now for Ash Wednesday. 
Sri Manoj:  You don’t think we use that Galliano muck.  I’m looking for some Britisher to play a sinister part in a movie set in the Deccan and based on some Annie Proulx, EM Forster back drop .  I’ve been hearing a lot about muscular liberalism.  There’s an article here in the Telegraph about some men called Bryant, Delingpole and Clegg.  Can they act? 
Women all cry out together:
They can only play act.  They’re useless and rant.  We get enough of that already!
Rachel:      I’ve checked that we all use the same cosmetic surgeon for our face lifts.  At least he’s not making anti-Semitic noises, though he’s not one of us. 
Dorothy:    I don’t know if Natty is circumcised.  I’ll have to ask Richard, his boyfriend.  I don’t suppose it’s something you can undo.  Wouldn’t it be awful if one of those Harley Street clinics turned out to have anti-Semitic tendencies.  I wonder what Tara thinks about this. 

Obreption smiles, amused that the spouses are not at all concerned with sex scandals, money scandals, abuse scandals; and feels sorry that nice Mrs Doyle who makes a nice cup of tea is having to work in the PR office of the Roman Catholic Church in Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Los Angeles, Boston, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, San Antonio, Dublin ...

2 comments:

  1. I thought you'd be interested in this old article, which is being recycled as 'parents' want to pass on their own DNA but don't like bits of the mitochondrial DNA. Does this have any implications on the mono-physite nature of god, and what does it tell us about the immaculate conception of Mary, mother of god? Can you back us up?

    http://www.wellcome.ac.uk/News/Media-office/Press-releases/2010/WTX059136.htm

    Mother Theresa

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  2. Dear Miss Theresa

    We're trying to help you here and suggest that you revisit your ashram in Coventry and get back on the horse, because our files tell us that in a previous life you were Lady Godiva and you showed great signs of disinhibition. As everyone knows, the problem about Mary is that if there was a god, why did he/she need a mother and if Mary needed a mother, what about her. This is a classic infinite regress. This also explains the classic infinite redress and dress rehearsal of many ceremonies which some religious institutions have invented to show off their thespian tendencies, and the fact that they failed (or were too right-wing) to get an Equity card.

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