Thursday, 28 April 2011

Royal Wedding: Special Report

Lady Jean Bridie, our Diplomatic and Royal Editor

As befits my aristocratic style and title, we are pleased to describe the Royal Wedding which will take place in the next few hours in London.  Among the many guests will be some who are perhaps unworthy of an invitation.  Mr Cameron has decided that the absence of Messrs Blair and Brown was due to the fact that they did not hold appropriate knighthoods regarding chivalry.  We do not know if Mr Blair has a Papal knighthood or if Mr Brown was even considered for a Knight of the Thistle (KT).  We can only say that with a lot of arm twisting, both the Syrian Ambassador and the Crown Prince of Bahrain have kindly remembered that they have alternative arrangements. 

Relations with the 3rd, 4th and 5th estate remain cordial and we are pleased to invite thousands of media reporters to the procession route, and we remind everyone to obey the commands of His Majesty the King of FIFA, the Olympic Committee, Tesco Finest and Primark, exclusive sponsors.  Mr Cameron has issued edicts for the governance of street parties and it is important that when William and Catherine exchange vows, the whole nation responds in a rapturous shout of “Calm Down, Dear!”  This response is to be repeated SEVEN times, to be followed by a round of synchronised gestures.   

We have pre-programmed our blogging and tweeting service as of 2359 GMT this evening, and if our tweets bear no relation to reality, you can blame this on the Liberal Democrats.  If you find anyone canvassing for the LibDems or for Yes to AV, you are to report it to the appropriate authorities. 

We have nonetheless received information that The Prince William is to be raised to the Rank of a Duke.  He will henceforth be known as the Duke of Cambridge (other titles include Strathearn and Carrickfergus).  Catherine will be known by courtesy as HRH The Duchess of Cambridge.  Her heraldic achievement based on her family 'coat of arms' will be impaled with those of her husband. 

Many of our viewers were wondering why Cambridge was chosen.  Many royal dukedoms revert to the Royal Family central line, and currently Edinburgh is used by the Queen's husband.  Lancaster is used by The Queen (Yes!) - her Majesty is also The Duke of Lancaster.  York, Gloucester and other cities such as Inverness are already in use.  Some of the royal titles are inherited on birth.  While a female monarch cannot have a title Duke of Cornwall before ascending the throne, the heir male apparent would get this title on birth.  The titles Prince of Wales and Earl of Chester have to be created.  Thus Camilla Parker Bowles, though technically The Princess of Wales and future queen, prefers to be known as The Duchess of Cornwall. 

Strange things happen when the royal family go to that foreign country known as Scotland.   The royal coat of arms changes, and the lion and unicorn have reversed positions as supporters.  On his food products line, the title HRH The Prince Charles, Duke of Rothesay is used, as the Duchy of Cornwall is not allowed to have land in Scotland. This is a reference to Duchy Originals. 

So Catherine Middleton will become HRH The Duchess of Cambridge.  The couple will be officially known as Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and informally as either The Cambridges or just Wills and Kate.  Names are so important.  They could have picked Clarence, Milton Keynes or Bolton, but Cambridge sounds so nice.  St Andrews could not have been used as one of the subsidiary titles of the Duke of Kent is already St Andrews.

So there you have it - the widow Pinter and Dr Kate Williams were quite hopeless on Radio 4.  Who said the late Queen Mother wasn't aristocratic?  Thank goodness Lady Jean Bridie-Bowes Lyon of Glamis and Forfar is the true thing!

We hope you have all enjoyed the Obreption Group Genealogical Institute (OGGI) reporting in many languages, across boundaries and across many faiths.  You will note with joy that the Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams spoke with clarity the words from the Prayer Book and none of the mumbo-jumbo from other ecclesial bodies.  You will also note with great approval the address from Bishop Richard (the Bishop of London) made to the Royal Couple. 

Among our many viewers, we trust our fashion statements will be noted at the high street when 'foot fall' and monetisation theories are pre-eminent.  We have all had a superb day and some of the younger ones are going to rock round the clock. 

Our musical review specialists thought that the selection of Hubert Parry was well-judged: "I was glad".  There was also some pleasure that Elgar seemed to be missing from the playlist we enjoyed at the Abbey, but it may be that Obreption's loathing of this Malvern Hills musick has screened out the dreary tunes.  We're re-thinking the John Rutter piece. 

All in all, a great day for the Church of England.  We're not going to mention another service, but will doubtless blog.  May the festivities continue.  Please tidy up after your street parties.    And have a nice evening.
We wish William and Catherine all the best for the future.  GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

ps: Do I get the Regius Jenny Geddes Chair of Theology title, Ma’am?


  1. This post has been very helpful in explaining aspects of heraldry and we have discovered your site with relatively little difficulty using both Google and other search engines. What has, however, intrigued us is your knowledge of horse racing. Do you have any contact with this industry? Any tips?

  2. I have heard that the Duke and Duchess are to visit Canada and California in the summer. Will you be covering this trip or will you be sending one of your associates who understands the importance of celebrity and who can talk the language of football in a post-Kant--post-Hume deconstruction?!

  3. Regarding racing tips, it should be noted that we leave forecasting for the birds. If you don't understand this, we suggest Celtic divination and you care might to look up oracular sciences. There is a learned journal which takes simple Celtic words and makes up pseudo theological clap trap names. You may have heard of our Tonca series which is theological-ontological-neo crystallographical-accretions. While it may true that 'fyos' is the Gaelic word for knowledge, there are many words in the Gaelic language which can be rendered meaningless; these words usually begin with a 'c' or a 'p' and can be heard in common parlance from the Butt of Lewis to Barra.

    Anonymous 5/5/11

    Regarding the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge, I'm sure they'll get a warm welcome wherever they go.